


The Hitchhiker's Guide to Tamriel

by StellarWind Elsydeon (StellarWind)



Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-16
Updated: 2012-12-16
Packaged: 2017-11-21 07:49:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/595270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StellarWind/pseuds/StellarWind%20Elsydeon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Don't Panic! This is an introduction to the tale of the Last Dragonborn as told in the style of Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series.</p><p>May or may not become an ongoing work.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hitchhiker's Guide to Tamriel

Anything that happens, happens.

Anything that happens multiple times in different timelines with significant details altered or omitted, happens multiple times in different timelines with significant details altered or omitted.

Anything that, in happening, makes little sense from any given perspective but its own and does not let the facts or any contradictions it may cause with the established timeline confuse it, happens anyway.

This is just the sort of thing that happens when Akatosh is finally allowed to catch a Break.

~*~

The story so far.

In the beginning, Nirn has been created.

This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.

Most of Nirn's people believe it to have been created by some sort of Gods, although the depiction and names of said Gods tend to vary between the different peoples of Nirn and is just confusing enough to render the whole point incredibly moot.  This, however, did not stop the Thalmor of the Aldmeri Dominion from publishing their best-selling trilogy: "Why the Nine are actually Eight", "Why Talos Wasn't Really A God" and "Why You Should Do Exactly What We Tell You Or We Will Kill You And All You Hold Dear."

 _The Hitchhiker's Guide to Tamriel_ says this about the Thalmor:

_"Here's what you should do if you want to gain concessions from the Thalmor. FORGET IT. They are one of the most unpleasant factions in all of Tamriel: Arguably not actually evil, but bad-tempered, stuck-up, deceitful and Mer-supremacist. They would not even lift a finger to save one of their own agents from a Ravenous Daedroth of The Deadlands without written proof of the agent's Altmer nature, his exact pedigree, family line up to seven generations and nearest relatives (all, of course, to be executed for his failure) and a five-hundred-page essay on his hatred for Talos, all submitted via multiple cloak-and-dagger channels - the dagger part of which would probably be recycled by the aforementioned Daedroth as a toothpick._

_The best way to get a drink out of an agent of the Thalmor is to remove the stick from their arse and shove it down their throat, and the quickest way to annoy one is to praise Talos in their presence. The quickest way to annoy the Thalmor at large, of course, is to feed one of their agents to a Ravenous Daedroth of the Deadlands - and were the Nord people not so suspicious of Magicka and its applications, they would have probably practiced the school of Conjuration more to take advantage of this fact."_

Perhaps unsurprisingly, among most of the non-Daedra-Worshipping populace of Tamriel, _The Hitchhiker's Guide_ has largely supplanted the great _Oghma Infinium_ as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, because though it has many omissions and contains much that is apocryphal - or at least widely inaccurate - it scores over the older, more inaccessible work in two important ways.

First, it is not normally contained in a forbidden, untold, library-based Realm of Oblivion inhabited by an enormous, betentacled eldritch abomination. And second, it has the words 'Don't Panic' written in large, friendly letters on the cover - which is somewhat more pleasing to the eye than being made of a patchwork of Mer skins. Both these qualities render it an invaluable companion to the impoverished adventurer who wishes to see the marvels of Nirn for less than 60 Septims a day and with as few arrows to the knee as reasonably possible.

This is its story, as well as the story of one particular Turdas - roughly 200 years after a guy has been turned into a dragon and then into a statue for saying how wonderful it would be if Mehrunes Dagon would NOT try to stomp around Nirn for a change - and some of its rather extraordinary consequences.

To better tell this story, it may be best to tell the story of some of the minds behind it. A Prisoner, caught on contested grounds of a civil war in the province of Skyrim, is one of them - though as our story begins, they no more know their destiny than a Nirnroot knows the biography of the great Alchemist Sinderion.

He, or she, is a sentient bipedal organism of ambiguous features and biological ancestry and is currently being carted off to his - or her - own execution.


End file.
